he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
