He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
