I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
