On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
