you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
