i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
