My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
