considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
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That's science, my friend. Boner science.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
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The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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