You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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