when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
