If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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