i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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