You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
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