my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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