i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
He passed out mid-signature
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
