she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
