wakey wakey hands off snakey
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
3pm strippers are depressing
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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