she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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