Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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