she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
