You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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