Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
