You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
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I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
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Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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