I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
