gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
