I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
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