If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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