I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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