Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Randomize
