Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
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