The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize
