I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
