it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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