I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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