she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
