i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
