you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
