He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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