yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Everything about him screamed your future.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
