this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Randomize
