so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
