I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Can you bring me the toilet please
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize