I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
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I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
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