She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Randomize
