I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
