1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
