I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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