I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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