please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
