I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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