We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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