there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
