I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
