so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
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I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
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This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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