actually, I'm a sock model
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
