there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
jump out the window naked night went bad
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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