So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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