Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Vodka?
Forever.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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