Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Randomize
