My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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