he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Found the puke drawer
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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