You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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